Helping Your Parents Decide About Healthcare Power of Attorney

Talking with your parents about a Power of Attorney (POA) can feel awkward and heavy. It brings up questions about control, trust, family dynamics, and sometimes, fear about what the future may hold. Yet it is one of the most important conversations families can have.

Tanya Larson is a Social Worker and Managing Director at Midwest Care Management Services. Pictured here with her parents, siblings, and the grandchildren.

When my own family first began this discussion, I was reminded just how personal these decisions are. My dad was very clear about one thing: if the time ever came to withdraw medical care, he wanted a healthcare Power of Attorney who could make that decision without guilt. That mattered deeply to him. Ultimately, he named my mom as his primary healthcare POA and my younger brother as her successor.

My brothers live near my parents, while my sister and I are out of state. My brothers were named in the POA documents for healthcare and for property—even though, professionally speaking, I have more experience navigating healthcare systems, legal processes, and care planning. At first, that could have felt uncomfortable or even frustrating. But it wasn’t about skills. It was about proximity, availability, and emotional readiness to follow his wishes.

As my dad navigates some serious health issues, what’s mattered most is that we all communicate and check in. He has been clear about his beliefs and values on aging and disability and we all know our job is to respect his wishes. There is a family group chat to update my sister and I after medical appointments. My mom asks my for my input on second opinions, trial interventions, and how to best advocate. We check in with Dad to see if his perspective has shifted and make sure everyone is on the same page. My brother understands his role as the backup for my mom. The legal documents created clarity—but the openness is what has made the process work. I know, however, that this isn’t always the reality for some families.

POA Decisions Are About More Than Competence

One of the biggest misconceptions I see is the belief that the “most capable” child should automatically be named as Power of Attorney. In reality, parents are often weighing very different factors:

• Who can emotionally handle hard decisions

• Who lives nearby

• Who understands and respects their values

• Who will follow their wishes, even when it’s difficult

• Who has capacity in their own affairs to take on more work

These choices are rarely meant as judgments about love, intelligence, or capability. They are deeply personal decisions rooted in how parents imagine vulnerable moments unfolding.

How You Can Help Your Parents Navigate the Decision

If you’re supporting your parents through this process, here are a few principles that can help:

Start the conversation with their values. Instead of focusing first on who should be named, start with what matters most to them. How do they define quality of life? What worries them most about aging or illness? What decisions would they want made if they couldn’t speak for themselves?

Normalize mixed emotions. It’s common for parents to worry about burdening their children or creating conflict. Acknowledging that these feelings are normal can lower defenses and open the door to more honest conversation.

Respect the roles they choose—even if they surprise you. You can still offer your skills, support, and advocacy without being the named agent. Clear communication and offering assistance go a long way.

Encourage professional guidance. An experienced estate planning or elder law attorney can help ensure documents are properly executed and that your parent truly understands the implications of their choices. A professional Power of Attorney or Care Manager can relieve some of the burden if family members are overwhelmed.

When It Works—and When It Doesn’t

In my family, the clarity of my dad’s wishes, my mom's overall good health, and our ability to plan together, provides us with peace of mind to enjoy our time together and know what to expect. Professionally, I see many families where unresolved conflict, unspoken expectations, or last-minute decisions lead to confusion and pain—often during a crisis. That’s why these conversations matter before they are urgently needed.

A Power of Attorney isn’t just a legal document. It’s a reflection of trust, values, and relationships. When handled thoughtfully, it can bring peace of mind—not just to your parents, but to the entire family. If you’re unsure how to start this conversation or are navigating complicated family dynamics, you’re not alone. Giving each other grace and seeking support from professionals can make all the difference.